Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

😭😭😭

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later