If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.