If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
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Don鈥檛 forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Google search history:
鈥loves keep growing on tree?
鈥ow do I get hand in tight gloves?
鈥an gloves piss/bite?
鈥hat is a squirrel?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we鈥檙e a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
馃槀馃槄馃槀
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)