If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
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When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
When you’re here for the treats.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
lol
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!