Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

is nasa ok

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

I’m not sorry.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.