If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
How is it still this week?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her