If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake