Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

man i love columbo

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”