If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
this FaceApp is creepy af
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Happens to everyone.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler