If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.