If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Pizza is an emotion right?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?