If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Rare photo of two submarines racing
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]