If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
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I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?