If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Brands during Pride
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano