Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Fluff me with a fork baby

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers