If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
I’d … I’d rather not.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now