If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
File under excellent bookstore names.
My flabber has been gasted.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
January has been Januweary
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?