If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.