If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
greetings!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.