Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.