If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
What number SPF blocks people?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
