“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Florida man
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.