Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.