If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I wish I could veto my bills.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.