If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Thursday Thought.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.