if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I triple waxed for this?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*puts cutlery down*
