if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ