Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.