if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.