if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
🤣😂🤣😂
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
how long have you had this for?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption