@longwall26

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.

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@jdforshort

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

@aotakeo

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

@elle91

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

@KevinFarzad

When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly

@Nikkeya08

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

@jpbrammer

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

@TitansHomer

Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness

Me: Honesty

B: I don’t think that’s a weakness

M: I don’t give a shit what you think.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

@AngryRaccoon2

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.