What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’