If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.