Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

My first son he is wonderful

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!