If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.