Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.