“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.