“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My neck my back my allergy attack
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
#NeverForget
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
