“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”