If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
You Might Also Like
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing