If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)