If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.