If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]