If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is