if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
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i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
(Gaming support cat.)
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
This meal prepping shit is easy
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?