if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.