if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
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HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast