if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
i wish i could marry a nap
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad