Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…