if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?