If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
You Might Also Like
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
