If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.