Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Better luck next time champ

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.