Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

👽

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: