Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

…

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

turning my gender off to conserve energy

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time