Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

You saw nothing. I am ham.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*