Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.