If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
…..pretty much.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Happy thanksgiving!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.