I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
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Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
did it work
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit