If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.