If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Taliband
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment