If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”