Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

No one :

Me when I swimming :

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off