If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife