If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
So creative 😂
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down