Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Tapped in

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.