If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
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Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.