Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?