If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it