If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
and now we wait
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.