Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

3% human
97% stress

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

ㅤ

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U