If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
North and South
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Life is a suicide mission.
I want to meet the individual who made this
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.