If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now