Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

WHO DID THIS?

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.