Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.