Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.