if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
buying dead houseplants to save time
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.