if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?