If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.