If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
i actually laughed 😩
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Happy Star Wars day!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Not all heroes wear capes…
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.