If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds