If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.