If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend